Metamorphosis

I am going to write about something today that some of us struggle with and don’t ever talk about. I am not ashamed or embarrassed to open up about the topic of depression, or my depression specifically, and I really hope that society will continue to make it an easier thing for people to feel comfortable to open up about. I hope that writing about some of the things that I have been struggling with will help others experiencing similar struggles feel more at ease talking about theirs and know that we are not as alone in our dark times as much as we think we are.

I have personally been struggling with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager (diagnosed with chronic low grade depression, anxiety and low spectrum OCD at the age of 12). I have taken several types of antidepressants and anxiety medications, but none have ever actually helped me in the long run. The side effects were either too much for me, or my depression actually was increased instead of decreased. So as of this year I made the conscious decision to do whatever I can to help with my depression in more natural, healthy, and proactive ways that feel right and organic to me. Now I do not say any of this to discourage anyone that is currently taking mental health medication to stop taking it by any means. There are alot of people where this method does actually work3002080

, I am just speaking from my personal experience and how I have been managing. I use the word managing because depression doesn’t ever go away, it is always lurking in the shadows. I say manage because I have to manage it to keep the darkness subsided and subdued. I often refer to my depression as my “cloud”. In that it changes like the weather and typically clouds block the sun and bring about gloom, similar to the symptoms of depression.

According to statistics, from 2019-2020 over 50 million Americans have depression, and 2.7 million children from ages 3-17. In America, depression is the leading disability from ages 15-44, and approximately 54% of adults with depressive episodes DO NOT receive treatment of any kind. Those numbers only reflect those that have actually been diagnosed, not those who silently suffer either because they are undereducated about their emotions/feelings or the fact that we are often programmed at a young age to “toughen up” or just “suck it up and move on”, OR we are made to feel ashamed, outcasted, “crazy”, or selfish when we try to share these vulnerable moments with others.

My “cloud” has recently been heavily hovering over me. It has been like an indescribable heaviness that I felt like I just could not shake. There was nothing that triggered it, nothing significantly terrible was occurring in my life, I just literally felt so heavy and burdened that it was hard for me to get out of bed. I prayed for God to give me the strength and energy to make it through the day. I was very discouraged with how my morning was going, but I was determined to push through. I realized several months ago with my depression that the most important thing that I can do is to recognize it, accept it, but not to allow myself to stay there.

I did some therapeutic cleaning and walked my dog. As I was walking with my dog, I remembered something wise that a sweet soul recently told me: and that is to celebrate the small things. As of today, I have only been out of prison for 8 months. I have my two beautiful sisters and niece and nephews that I speak to daily, I have a beautiful and loving relationship with my boyfriend and his family, I have an amazing job, I have shelter, food, clean water and I am healthy. These are all things to be exceptionally grateful for. So as I was walking I started thinking about all of the beautiful things in my life that I can take the time to be grateful for and to help push me through the hard times.

I started listening to the song “Been So Good” by Elevation Worship and realizing all of the things that GOD has brought me through. Not me on my own, but with God. Because at the end of every day is the possibility of a fresh start and new day tomorrow. Not of our own doing, not with only the steps that we take, but with the strength that comes from something much stronger and greater than ourselves. There has been no good part of my life that hasn’t come from great struggle, learning and the resilience to push through BUT from God.

I say all of this to encourage anyone who may struggle on the inside and feel alone in it. You are not alone. Many of us struggle like this and silently push through. It is hard to at times feel something that you don’t even know where the feeling is coming from or how to describe it. To feel like you don’t know how you will make it through the day or how you will be able to have the energy to pretend to be happy in front of others so that you don’t have to try and explain how you feel when you don’t even know what it is that you feel or if they will understand. You are not alone and it WILL get better. Sometimes we just have to look at the small things and be grateful, and sometimes we just have to look forward to the next beautiful thing.